Response to Diane

Wow that wasn't there when I started my last post. But I'm glad it is now, because it gives me something more to think about and write.

I wish I was a kid again too. Especially after reading that. It hits me everytime I think about what happens after graduation. I freak out and tell myself and everyone around me that there is no way I'm moving away from home right after. Eventually, yeah probably, but not right after. I don't have the money----- or the security I found I was missing when I moved here to Rock Island.

It's me- after slowly getting away after two years that can still admit that no matter what anybody has to say about a medium- semi-small town- I still want to end up in one. If not Alton, then someplace like it. I wanted to get away- experience new things- and I'm happier than ever that I did, or else a lot of opportunities would have passed me by and I'd still be unhappy as ever wishing I was in a different place. But I didn't mean FOREVER... not yet anyways.

When I was home last weekend, I saw Chelsea. It was nice to see her and all... she sat down with me and Rachelowe and started talking to us. Not surprisingly the first things she had to say were rumors about people I used to know. I turned away a few times, trying to seem quasi-interested but not being able to help my thoughts about how juvenile this situation was in the first place. Needless to say I used to think Chelsea was super cool, when I was little. And I still think back and remember the fun we used to have, but then I also think about where I am today, and where she is. There are pluses and minuses of course.

She still hangs out with all her friends from high school. Or a good amount of them. I still talk to many of mine, but I've also gained friends at SIUE and at EIU, and I like to think my range of friends keeps me well balanced. I got opportunities living at college that she never will. I experienced dorm life, bitchy roommates, a sorority (which I actually always thought woulda been more her route than mine).... and lots more. So I'm happy about where I've come.

There always comes a point in my life where I wish I could go back to being 5. I was fit, happy all the time (ask my dad even), tomboyish, adventurous, athletic and outdoorsy. I was best friends with my brother, and life was great.

In high school I thought life was great too, and when graduation neared, I again, wished I was 5.

Now, I wish I was 5. It's a repeat process for me.

Does your boyfriend now not act like that around you? I haven't been dating a whole lot lately but I still feel like a 5 year old when a guy I like shows some reciprocation. I think that's why I latched onto Stephen. He was a friend, a safely-taken friend I could act like I was five around and have fun with without any confusion about getting serious or notions about what it meant. But then again there was Matt, and I treated him the same way. And I don't think it was quite the friendly game it was with Stephen. But it still felt good, because he's a lot like me. And it still feels good. I have a crush haha, again. (It was what I was talking about earlier.)

But anyway Diane. I loved reading your post- whenever you and me seem like opposite entities I get hit with something like this and it reminds me of some of the reasons we get along. The rain thing- and Dave Matthews... I admire the way you compared the streaky windows to a Monet painting. I wish you were home to go to the art museum with me this summer. I never had a favorite obsession like you do with your "Starry Night" but I do feel something of an overwhelming happiness and peace around art because for some reason I am obsessed with texture and color, which is why although his paintings are essentially paint splatters, I see a lot in Jackson Pollock's stuff.

Dude I have a suggestion if you ever get bored. I don't know if you've tried it but I think you should write a story about what you just posted on. If you hate the idea of writing then I understand, but I think it could be really interesting and it makes you feel better about how u feel.

This post wanders. I do that a lot, sorry...