Rachel, where are you going to start looking for an apartment? That's very exciting. Keep us updated on that for sure.
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Nothing new is going on today, except I had a really horrible dream last night. I don't remember all of it but it's strangely haunting me. I thought I had pretty much gotten over it but it seems deep down it's still plaguing me.
At the end of the year, when the whole guy situation had wrapped up, he had a gf now and he was in serious denial that I was pissed at him (which frankly I can't blame him for if you read on). Everytime I would see him in the newsroom I would act like nothing at all was wrong, which I can't decide whether or not was for my benefit. You see, he was working closely with me trying to figure out what Verge should contain and what it should look like next year, as part of a class project for him and as part of my job, to revamp the publication. My trouble was that when I was sober, I was afraid of telling him my feelings and making myself vulnerable.
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When we were hanging out, I would always tell him how I felt, and I can't remember very many nights when I was drunk doing so. I even told him one night that this wasn't just a mess around thing for me like other girls had been. It was lasting much longer and I told him I really liked him. That's why I hold it against him today that he lied to me forever when he should have come clean when he realized it wasn't that way for him anymore. You see, I was the flavor of the...er, several months, when normally they only last a week or so. I just always wanted to tell him that all he had to do was tell me the truth, and I would have been hurt but I wouldn't be at the point where I have all this pent up anger toward him, which climaxed at the end of the year.
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One night, not for sure which, we were at a bar when we all decided to go visit Brian O'Malley, which you might all hear me call BO'Malley. He lived above Hatter's, and although he didn't drink, he was up all night until the bars closed, so we would stop in for a visit. Then he would feel compelled to take us home sometimes, but not because we asked him to. It was nice and we could have walked but the man has a heart of gold. So he's taking me, Megan, several others, and this guy ("Jason") home. I told "Jason" that I needed to talk to him, and he said ok. I asked BO'Malley to drop us off last. But then Megan, thinking she was looking out for my best interests, told BO'Malley to drop me off first. And when he did, I sat at the picnic table outside Taylor Hall and cried. I called Megan. "Why did you do that? Now IM NEVER GOING TO GFET TO TELL HIM HOW I FEEL!!!" Megan felt bad and came back and took care of me. She put me in bed and as always, Danielle was there on 3 North to help, and Megan left me in Danielle's care until I fell asleep.
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I was right, I never got my chance to yell at him, and tell him what he needs to hear. That he lied and that makes him a bastard, and how it could have been so much easier with the truth! I was prepared for the truth because I knew how he was, until I listened to lie after lie and suddenly believed it could be more. Stupid Laura. Anyway by the time I see him again, it will be old news, and too late to do anything. I suspect with seeing him a lot and living 5 houses down from him we will become friends, but if this deep down anger doesn't completely go away, there's no telling what I might say when I'm drunk around him.
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My dream was this: (short and sweet)
He was IN MY HOUSE, having sex with people who were close to me. She was a mixture between Chelsea, a good friend when I was growing up, and Ashley, a good friend now. For some reason he had left a soccer ball in my yard, and when I caught him he ran out to get it so he could leave, but I got to it first and hid it. Before he could leave, I let it fly. And I thought it would make things better. But I kicked the ball into the neighbor's yard and left it. I went back to get it, and Chelsea/Ashley beat me to it. I begged to have the ball so that he would come back because I had some more things to yell at him about.
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Does it mean that yelling at him would only be a temporary fix? And that I know that deep down? Someone give me some insight here.
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